colintimberlake.comTell her it wasn’t you…

In response to my previous article, “Forced Fatherhood: Are Men Being Treated Equally,” I have received a fair amount of feedback in the way of e-mails.

One particular e-mail on the part of a female reader asked me, given that I am questioning the fairness of the current regime, “why wouldn’t a man want fatherhood?” The context provided by the remainder of the e-mail in no way suggested that the question was asked in a joking manner.

Setting aside the fact that women have fought extremely hard for the right to choose to not be mothers, my response, at its simplest, would be as follows: Why wouldn’t a woman want motherhood? The reasons could be virtually identical. The percentage of pregnancies that result in abortions or adoptions is very sizable, and the reasons a woman might choose these options over motherhood are broad-ranging:

She may not want children, either ever or simply at this point in her life.

The pregnancy may be the result of the man’s negligence or dishonesty about fertility or birth control.

Having a child at this point may compromise her life goals or plans.

She may not have the financial means to provide and care for a child.

She may not want to have to raise a child for the rest of her life with the particular man who got her pregnant.

The point is, there are many reasons why a woman would choose not to be a mother that don’t involve her body. All of these reasons could be equally applicable to a man, and yet a man is not allowed to cite these reasons for a decision to not be a father. He is not allowed to make that choice, and any reference to these reasons would probably result in his being viewed as a deadbeat or immoral.

On the other hand, not only do women have the choice over whether to become a mother (and impose fatherhood on a man) but she is also not required to provide any reasons to justify her choice. She could have an abortion for the most trivial of reasons, while a man could have some very strong reasons for not wanting to be a father or involved (financially or personally) in a family with a particular woman…but regardless of the strength of his reasons, fatherhood is imposed upon him.

Any woman who has ever had (or considered) an abortion or given a child up for adoption (or considered doing so) should, I imagine, be able to relate quite well to the reasons a man might have for not wanting to be a father.

It would be harder, I imagine, for her to relate to not being able to have a choice in the matter, however.

Anyway, thanks for reading and providing your opinions.

A couple years ago there was a case that went to the United States Court of Appeal, where a man (Matt Dubay) was fighting to prevent parental obligations from being forced upon him by his ex-girlfriend who had become pregnant. Dubay had stated during the relationship that he didn’t want children, during the pregnancy that he didn’t want to be a father and wouldn’t be involved, and held to his position afterward.

The case didn’t just go to the United States Court of Appeal, it went all the way to the Dr. Phil show, where this man argued his case in the court of public opinion. Ultimately, the case brought up some pretty interesting issues and the possibility that, in a world where men have historically discriminated against women, there may be a very important aspect of life where men are not receiving equal rights.

As it stands, of course, men and women can engage in consensual sex. But if a woman becomes pregnant, any decisions about whether to have the child and enforce parental obligations rest entirely with the woman. Consenting to sex and consenting to being a parent are two very separate things for a woman, which is why there has been such a strong fight to have access to abortions.

But the two seem to be made the same thing for men. If a man has sex, he seems to be taken to legally consent to any decision his female partner makes regarding a pregnancy, whether it is an abortion or having a baby. He may then be forced to a be a parent whether he likes it or not, something that is not done to women in society today. Women have fought hard and earned their right to not be forced to be parents.

The circumstances could make this situation either less or more unfair for a man who is put in this position. What if his female partner was dishonest about birth control or fertility? Is it okay to force a man to be a father when he was engaging in an activity that, based on his partner’s statements, would not reasonably be expected to result in a pregnancy? Does it matter? Does he deserve the same rights as a woman to decide after a pregnancy occurs that he is not going to be a parent, regardless of his reasons?

How would a woman feel if she became pregnant today and was told that she would have no choice in whether to carry the baby to delivery or give the child up for adoption?

We don’t ask a woman to justify her decision to have an abortion, but we don’t even give the man an opportunity to have one under any circumstances. It seems like even if an underaged boy is (technically) raped by an adult figure such as a female teacher, and therefore not even consenting to sex, that he will have to pay child support…simply because he is male, and he had sex.

I think I’ll explore this a little further and see where the reasoning goes. Obviously there are children involved and they shouldn’t have to suffer. Their rights should be taken into account but does making sure that children have the necessities of life require that a particular man be made to pay for all of these necessities? If the man earns a good living, he can be made to pay far more than the amount required to provide a child with the necessities of life. If dishonesty was a factor in the pregnancy, should the woman in that case be allowed to enjoy that additional benefit?

Are men and women being treated equally when it comes to decisions about reproduction? Given how high the stakes are with these kinds of decisions, should men be given the same choices as women about their own family planning?

SEE ALSO: Forced Fatherhood: “Why Don’t Men Want Fatherhood?”