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STEPHEN KING’S “THINNER”

Make no mistake. This movie is a piece of shit. It is quite possibly the worst film ever made. This thing makes Batman and Robin look like Citizen Kane. Now, you might be saying to yourself that you’ve never heard of this movie. It can’t be that bad. Well it is. You haven’t heard of it because nobody will mention it by name. They have stricken it from their memories, and in order to successfully use The Thinner Technique, you are going to have to have nerves of steel.

A friend (male, late 20s) recently approached me for advice with a pretty common situation. His relationship had sadly run its course, and he wanted to end it with his girlfriend. However, he didn’t want to go through the guilt of breaking up with her. Naturally, the only reasonable alternative was to have her break up with him. After assuring him that he was not being a coward but merely succumbing to unavoidable behavior patterns hardcoded onto the Y chromosome, I was able to ascertain that he needed fairly quick results.

With a maximum time required of only 12 days, I was able to confidently recommend The Thinner Technique. As preparation, I highly recommend watching Thinner on your own at least once prior to implementing this method. It will not be pleasant, but this is considered an advanced move in relationship termination and you don’t want to be caught showing involuntary signs that you recognize the unbridled shittiness of this movie. Build up a tolerance and work on your poker face. Then it is time to begin.

LAYING THE FOUNDATION

Come home with a rented DVD copy of Thinner. Tell her it is your favorite movie from when you were a kid and that you hope it still holds up. The stage has been set.

During the film, covertly make note of her reactions. If she is enjoying the film at all, then you are in bigger trouble than you thought. It is, however, virtually guaranteed that she will be both bored and angry by the end of the movie. As the end credits begin to roll up the screen, repeat the following words:

“Holy shit, that was even better than I remember! What do you think? Fucken awesome, huh?”

When she begins to state the obvious, that the movie was absolutely retarded and made no sense, cut her off with the following:

“What the fuck? Are you serious? That movie rocked! Scary and funny and a touching human story. How could you not see? Let’s watch it again. I think it takes another viewing to really capture the nuances.”

Nothing on God’s green earth is going to get her to watch that movie twice in one night. Not shoes, not diamonds. Nothing. But tomorrow you start again. And this time you tell her that it is “really important to you” that you watch the movie one more time, as a couple, so you can come to an understanding on something that is an important part of your life.

You may have to grovel, but you will succeed on getting her to watch the movie again the next night. This time, she will be silent and fuming at the end. Pay no heed to this. Pretend it isn’t happening. Tell her that you are glad she watched it again and sees it your way. You are glad she enjoyed the movie this time around.

STAYING THE COURSE

When she walks in the door on Day 3, have the movie ready to go. She will struggle with the idea of watching it again, but every time she leaves the room, turn the volume up to a ridiculous level. Tell her you are only doing it to be thoughtful so that she can keep up with the story while she isn’t there with you. Return the volume to a normal level only when she returns to the room to watch. This simple reward-punishment structure will make it somewhat easier to get her to watch Thinner with you again on Day 4.

Around Day 5, she will begin to humor you just to try to get out of watching the movie again. She will say something to the effect that you were right, it’s not such a bad movie and it actually has some decent moments. She will then quickly try to change the topic to something else, considering Thinner to be a dead issue.

Not so fast. Cut her off, whatever she is saying, and use the following line.

“Awesome. I’m so glad you like the movie too. Because guess what I’ve got in the DVD player? Oooh, I love you so much. Let’s watch Thinner!”

At this point, she will shut off mentally and emotionally. She will sit through Thinner on this occasion and from this point forward, it is only a matter of time until she walks out, once and for all. Depending on her personality, this will take between two and seven more days. She will show no emotion and say nothing during the subsequent viewings of Thinner.

Do not be alarmed. She is not growing to like the movie. She is plotting her escape. She is plotting it 24/7. You won’t even have to persuade her to watch the movie anymore. Have it ready to go the second she walks in the door after work. She’ll sit down and watch it with you, numb to the core, and at the end of the movie, she will go to the bedroom and call her mother or her best friend. While you’re asleep, she is packing her belongings, practising her breakup speech and hunting for apartments.

For good measure, on Day 7, try to make it look like you are masturbating while watching the movie. When she finally pulls you aside and delivers the heartbreaking news that you are through, take a moment to let it sink in. Then deliver the following line:

“I don’t need you anymore. I have Thinner.”

WHEN 12 DAYS IS TOO LONG

This technique can also be applied with the movie Deliverance, and you can actually cut the required time from twelve days to five by pausing and rewinding the “Squeal Like a Pig” scene three times per viewing. If you need to be dumped immediately, make your O-face and hyperventilate every time you watch this scene with her and you will be history in two days, maximum.

A NOTE FOR WOMEN

The Thinner Technique is gender-neutral and can also be utilized by women who desire a guilt-free end to their relationships with their boyfriends. Note, however, that the Deliverance variation of this technique will not be effective if used by women. You are then likely to experience the “Deliverance Backlash Effect” which will be covered in subsequent articles.

ASSOCIATED LINK OF THE DAY: Jack Cabbage Movie Reviews